Here’s a fact people often get wrong about women: we don’t all like pink.
And pink doesn’t just mean the color. It stands for all the things that, over the years, have somehow become synonymous with being female — an unexplainable love of children, perfect color coordination, expert cooking, the ability to wrap gifts beautifully, being ticklish, squealing at insects, and having an unerring sense of what’s “appropriate.”
Both society and the church seem to keep whispering the same thing: you must be like this to be accepted by God as a virtuous woman. You must fit yourself neatly into this mold.
It makes being feminine in church hard work. I’ve met young women who are already weary and burned out, trying to hold all the pieces of life together so they can be “a good helpmeet.” There’s nothing wrong with desiring that, but in Christ, our best efforts should be directed elsewhere.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
A Woman Who Loves Pink
The books of Ruth and Esther seem to reinforce the idea that there’s one “right” kind of godly woman. And the famous Proverbs 31 woman? For years, she depressed me. She looked like she had it all together — the perfect “pink” woman who never missed a beat, whose every move shimmered with grace and productivity.
I thought the Bible was forcing pink down our throats — that unless we shaped ourselves into perfectly sweet, flawless beings, God would never call us “virtuous.” The word itself even annoyed me. Virtuous sounded less like a compliment and more like a certificate of compromise.
But when I took a closer look, I realized something surprising: God’s great woman in Proverbs 31 is not all that “girly.”
The Woman To Be Praised
Let’s take a good look at the passage:
10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. 17 She dresses herself 5 with strength and makes her arms strong. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.6 22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. (Prov. 31:10-31)
I find it fascinating that the entire passage of Proverbs 31 comes as part of a loving mother’s counsel to her king-son—and it begins with a warning that there are women who destroy kings (Prov. 31:3). Throughout the book of Proverbs, we encounter repeated cautions about adulteresses and seductresses who lead the righteous astray, rob them of peace, and wreck their lives. Such women, Scripture tells us, are reserved as wives for fools and the wicked (Eccl. 7:26). But the righteous, the wise, and the kings and priests of our God cannot afford to be ensnared by such women.
The kingdom of God thrives on strong, godly marriages—and destructive women cannot sustain that foundation. Yet these women are not doomed by birth. There is hope for every one of them. With God on their side, they can change—but not without surrender to Christ and a genuine willingness to be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit. After all, older women in the church are instructed to teach the younger women how to be good wives and mothers (Titus 2:3–5). That very instruction implies that God makes room for women to come flawed and unready, yet redeemable through grace.
Only after warning her son about the kind of woman who destroys kings does this wise mother go on to describe the kind of woman who builds them—the excellent wife. And how instructive it is that this list did not come from a man. Had it been so, it might easily be dismissed as another instance of men imposing their standards on women. Instead, we see God speaking through a queen-mother, revealing His own definition of an excellent woman—a woman to be praised.
Her Home Life
One of the most repeated aspects of this ideal woman is her home life. Isn’t it interesting that she is not only praised because of her home life, but she is praised for her home life?
She is responsible — takes the responsibility — for the home. She has maids, nannies, and her husband may occasionally help out, but she knows that she is responsible. This means that she plans, provides, and prepares their food, clothing, appearance, and social well-being (she influences her husband’s standing in the gate). She is also kind to the maids; she does not discriminate against them. When she wakes up early, she is getting ready to feed both her family and her workers (v15). She does this so well that her husband and children commend her; her family recognizes her contributions to their lives. She is not one of those women grumbling, muttering, and murmuring as she takes care of the home. If you are praised outside, but your family is not involved, there is a problem.
Thus, we surmise that she is a good mother and a good wife. She is committed to this role as a calling for all the days of her life; she is devoted to do good to and for the family, and not evil (v12).
Her Character, Gifts, Talents, and Roles
But the Bible talks about she herself. Her identity as a woman is not bound in the roles of mother and wife alone.
We see that as her character, she is trustworthy, committed, good, kind, generous, responsible, caring, hardworking, and wise. She also has a personal relationship with God, because she fears the Lord. Her relationship with others outside her family unit matters to her as well: she is equally responsible and attentive to her workers, making sure to feed them in time as she does for her own family. Verse 26 blows me away though: she is also a disciplemaker! She speaks with wisdom and teaches kindness, making sure to practice what she preaches (v20).
She is strong: her strength is mentioned twice (v17, 25). She doesn’t play the “weaker vessel” card to get out of hard work; she doesn’t feel inferior, or accept an identity less than what God has planned for her. Moreover, she dresses well, because she is someone who makes a difference. Her virtue doesn’t stem from beauty or charm though. This woman is only to be praised because she fears the Lord; she is actively engaged in worshipping God.
Her womanhood is a divine calling; all of her character and performance of her roles is because she fears the Lord (v30).
Her Business Life
The Bible also takes the time to talk about her business life.
The ideal woman has a good head on her shoulders: it’s not only there for decoration. She’s not in business because she has nothing else to do, or because her husband gave her some capital. She is invested in the jobs she carries out. She is tough: she stays up late at night, and wakes up early in the morning. She has customers and suppliers she has to relate with (v24); she calculates her profit diligently, and ensures that she is actually getting a good return on all her investments. She works just as hard at the office as she does at home; she is just as responsible.
Entrepreneurially, she monetizes her skills of weaving linen garments and sashes, and sets herself up in the clothing business. Note that family and career are not mutually exclusive for her: she makes sure to supply herself, her family, her household, and the merchants all in time and excellently as well. Beyond that, she diversifies into planting a vineyard. We know that vineyard tending is hard, because God does it in Isaiah (Isa. 5:1-4), and demands reward for His labour; moreover, all the parables that Jesus tells us about vineyard-tending show that it’s not easy at all. This woman has to handle tenants, workers, the building, digging, etc.: it’s certainly not a job for the lazy or weak. And one of the reasons the woman is able to accomplish all this is because she’s a good planner: she schedules her supply of food from afar, and she has something in store for the future.
This woman is not “soft” at all! Her life supports the truth that God is in the business of raising Jaels and Deborahs, Marys, Sarahs and Marthas… women strong enough to dare Him at His word and make things happen, in spite of the presence or absence of a man in their lives. But even I have to admit that this woman shines clearly above other women. She is not the normal, average woman. You can choose to not be like her; that’s okay. She is not easy to become (v29). I am excited that there is reward for her labours, both here on earth and by God who gave her the calling. She is not working twice as hard as her husband for nothing. The fruit of her hands will be given to her; her works will praise her. In her virtue, there is a good reputation, wealth, honor, joy and peace in her home.
The Standard Doesn’t Change
You can see why this excellent wife is such a daunting example to most women. It seems so impossible for one woman to accomplish all this all the time, and it often throws many women into a blind panic. They begin to think that if they fail at being as great as this woman, then they have failed as women, and failed as Christians, and failed as people. They build this woman into such a huge statue that she begins to obscure the real model we are to be following.
That’s right, ladies: as great a model as The Virtuous Woman is for women all over the world, she is not THE model. When we spend all our time and lives chasing after her shadow, we miss the most vital thing in the world.
We must never forget that Jesus is the life that pleased God (Matt. 3:17); Jesus is the example (1 Pet. 2:21-23); Jesus is who we must become like (2 Cor. 3:18).
Some women feel like, “Well, Jesus is the standard for the man, and the virtuous woman is for the woman.” But that’s not the message God is trying to give at all. He doesn’t provide a distinction and give alternative standards to the different sexes. Women were equally created in the image of God with men (Gen. 1:26,27), and He is never a respector of persons (Rom. 2:11). He is not more partial to men than to women; He doesn’t give any of us a pass. In every nation, whoever fears Him is the one He shows Himself to (Acts 10:35).
He proves this to women by purchasing us with the same blood of His only begotten Son (Gal. 3:28; Rev. 5:9). He pours out His Holy Spirit upon both male and female (Acts 2:16-18). The same ministry gifts, charismatic gifts, and other spiritual blessings have been poured out upon us (Eph. 4:11-13; 1 Cor. 12:7-11; Eph. 1:3). We will all face His judgment seat after death (Heb. 9:27). When Christ appears, women will also be like Him (1 Jn. 3:3); we have been predestined for Christlikeness since the beginning of the ages (Rom. 8:29).
The Dangers of Looking Away from the Model
Therefore, the moment our counsellors teach of the Virtuous Woman more than Jesus, women are lost. While it is entirely possible to become this woman along the route of Christlikeness (to be responsible for others, to be kind, caring, and not to be lazy; to excel in your duties both at home and at work; to watch your words and have a consecrated mouth), you will never arrive at Christlikeness by making this woman your aim.
In other words, if Jesus is your goal, then you will be a virtuous woman; if virtuosity is your only aim, you will completely lose Christ. This list of an excellent woman appears comprehensive, but it is actually not exhaustive. It does not touch on the priority of eternal things, the woman’s role in supporting the man in spiritual headship of the family, nagging, the motives and heart behind service, dealing with difficult children and workers, etc. Therefore, if it becomes your guiding light instead of Jesus, you have forsaken the only Way, the Truth, and the Life (Jn. 14:6).
Beyond the reasons above, when we consciously or subconsciously look away from Christ rather than fixing our eyes on Him (Heb. 12:2; Col. 3:1), we begin to pull back from doing what we should in the kingdom of God. We run away from responsibilities that look like “men’s roles”; we bury all the gifts and talents to achieve more than our own ideas of “virtuous” will allow.
We work so hard to be virtuous women, but Christ calls ladies to a higher road: He calls them, also, to take His yoke upon their shoulders (Matt. 11:28,29). Jesus must remain the center, or all our striving and toiling is in vain.
When the writer of Proverbs says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised,” he points to something deeper than character traits—he points to Christ at work in a woman. From Sarah who called her husband lord (1 Pet. 3:6), to Mary who said “Be it unto me according to Your word” (Luke 1:38), and Priscilla who laboured with Paul for the sake of the gospel (Rom. 16:3), the Scriptures reveal that the beauty worth celebrating is found in obedience to Christ.
The woman to be praised is not one who simply checks the boxes of diligence or decorum, but one who fears the Lord and walks daily in His grace. Her strength flows from communion, not comparison. Her worth is not in her charm, but in her Christ.
This Mother’s Day, even as we celebrate the wonder of our gender and remember our place in the world, let’s kick off the heels for a second and take a deep relaxing breath… who are we working towards?
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